Wot n' Self evaluation. (important please read)

    So uh...I did a major self evaluation last night and I have to apologize to everyone about my mood and the way I've been acting lately... My friends and family can all agree that I'm not the same person when I'm under stress like this and I know I'm not the same when I'm under stress. It brings out all my negative feelings and turns me into this fragile pessimistic insecure sack of estrogen that I've been since the middle of March and it is not ok. And I am not proud of myself for how I have acted because this stress... and I apologize.

    I feel the start of all of this was when my grades dropped horrendously because of my inability to preform certain basic execution functions in school and my severe lack of focus. At the time my parents were under the assumption that I was intentionally not caring and being a lazy ass in my classes, and while that might be somewhat true in a few cases, over all I would never let myself fail on purpose. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me, and no matter how hard I tried it was like I had some sort of mental block that I couldn't break through. And no matter how hard I tried my parents never thought I was trying hard enough. I felt like it was all my fault and I could do nothing about it either. I don't entirely blame my parents for thinking the way they did though. I have a past for being lazy at times and I can be very irresponsible when it comes to remembering certain things so they had every right to believe I was intentionally being lazy and letting myself fail. And looking back I'm not even that mad at them for thinking the way they did either. How could they have known what was wrong with me-- hell I didn't even know what was wrong with me either-- which brings me to the second part of my spiral downhill. 

    My mother and I decided to go to a counselor who specializes in children and teens who have attention disorders and/or other mental illnesses in order to help us both sort this whole mess out. Going to counseling actually was not part of the reason why I spiraled downhill, as it actually was something much needed and I highly recommend others who are in similar situations to do the same. The thing that made it worse for me, at the time, was when the counselor proposed that my problems might not be entirely ADHD caused, but that there was a good chance I also had some form of autism along with it, which would explain why I'm still experiencing difficulties while being on such a dangerously high dosage of medication. Now, nothing has been confirmed yet, however just knowing the possibility that I might actually be literally retarded really killed my confidence. Don't get me wrong, having any sort of mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and I never think lower of anyone who does have them. However for me personally, it killed my self esteem. And before you say anything like "omg spas leik, u cant say ther nothing wrong wit autistic peopl then stil b insecur wen u hav it OMG my cousn autistek and wat u said trigers me!!11111" Ok so here's the fucking thing about humans. We are all insecure to some degree. You can like stuff on other people and still not like it on yourself. Kinda like certain styles of clothing I guess... I don't know how to word this right but I hope you get the point I'm trying to make. The thought that I might be possibly autistic killed my confidence. And when you have lived your whole life under the assumption of being just a little out of focus but overall normal then all of the sudden you are told you are possibly autistic as well as having, and I quote, "ADHD on steroids"-- I don't give a fuck who you are but that shit was hard to soak in for a long while, and I feel like I've acted differently since--And been treated slightly differently by my parents as well- for better or for worse.

    I think the thing that officially made this news snap me was what my stepmother told me during a conversation about what I wanted to do when I got out of high school several weeks ago. I had told her how I wouldn't go to a 4-year university directly out of college unless it was with an art scholarship, to which she replied with these exact words I'll never forget: "Given the certain circumstances, I feel like sending you to a 4-year directly out of high school would be setting you up for failure." Hearing this from someone who always had high expectations of me really devastated me.. and I don't think my conscious has been at peace since... Don't get me wrong though I'm not mad at her for what she said. It broke me because deep down I knew it was true, and It was a truth that was really hard to deal with.

     I had to take in all of this heavy information and still be expected to preform adequately in school and do more than normal in order to make up for a failed class, which might I remind you I cannot graduate high school without passing Eng.III so there was and still is a fuck ton of weight on my shoulders (also not only would I not graduate if I failed, but I would also be kicked out of my school and shoved in the public one where I'd get bullied to no end). My closest friends can tell you that I cannot preform well under stress at all, however this time was different. This time I truly felt helpless. And I let myself feel that way. And I let everything get to me. I let all of those insecure, horrible emotions take over and fester in my mind. And I just sat there and took it. 

   When I was little I always made a vow that I would never give up on joy. And last night when I sat alone I thought long and hard to myself about how life had gone so downhill so quickly. I thought about what I had done, and what I hadn't done. How I failed my family so many times, and how I had failed myself, and others close to me. I sat there in silence for a long time before I realized I had given up without even realizing it. Not only had I given up but I also let myself give up and become somebody else that wasn't me. And coming to that realization finally flipped a switch in me.
    
    That night I realized three things. I realized that everything that emotionally hurt me now aren't always going to hurt me later. I realized dwelling on everything wasn't benefiting me at all and I needed to let go of my insecurities and anger at myself and toughen the fuck up. And most importantly, I realized even if my contact was limited, I was never alone to begin with and I never had to be alone, even if I was physically. I always appreciated and loved all of my friends, family, supporters, and above all my wonderful boyfriend, however it wasn't until last night when I actually was overcome with tears as I realized just exactly how fucking much all of you actually mean to me and how much all of you do to support and help me in ways that I don't even deserve. Realizing this I am at a complete loss of words to fathom how grateful I am to have all of you guys, even if I'm not able to contact you all due to my current grounding restrictions, you all have been there to support me anyways and I feel almost embarrassed to admit that it was something I should have already realized from the beginning, and I will never be able to thank all of you enough for what you guys do. 

    And Rasmus, you have been more than a blessing since you came into my life. You have now idea how grateful I am to have such an amazing, wonderful person like you as a boyfriend. Through all of this you have been there with me, encouraging me, helping me, and caring for me every single day. Even when I'm at my absolute worst you still are always there for me and you always seem to know exactly what to say to keep me afloat. I never thought it was possible to love somebody this much, but goddammit I feel like I get so worked up over stress and my own insecurities that I don't take the time to just breathe and appreciate the fact that you are here with me and you love me and... I will truly never be able to thank you enough for everything you have done for me QvQ ... and it's not fair to you that I would always seem in a bad mood when in all reality I should be in an amazing one and appreciate every moment we spend together with all of my heart regardless of whether I've had a bad day or not because every second with you is an absolute BLESSING and I will never be able to stress it enough as to how much you really mean to me. Through all of this you cared for me and kept my head above water and inspired me in more ways than I even realized until now. And though there might be thousands of miles of ocean between us, I have never before felt so close to somebody so far away and it is truly a blessing QuQ

    Which is why I am going to try for once to be happy. I am going to try for all of you. For all of those who support me. Because you guys give me reason to be happy. All of you. Even if you are just a watcher I've never talked too, the fact you watched me to begin with means the world to me and gives me enough motivation to pursue my passion. It will be hard, even challenging at times, but never again will I let myself give into those horrible feelings. For once I am not writing this to get a bunch of pent up shit out of my system, I am writing this to thank all of you for your love, support, and kindness you have shown me. I cried at least 5 times while typing this so please take my word for it when I tell you how much of a blessing each and every one of you are to me. If it was not for any of you, hell who knows where I'd be right now.

    I know I still have much to learn, and there will be times when I struggle, but because of all of you guys I now realize that I still have something to fight for, and you all give me a reason to fight.

    I realize this now

    And I deeply thank each and every one of you for helping me come to this awakening. 

    Each and every one of you is a blessing.








Thank you and God bless UvU~